Aare Amerijoye DOT.B
Dear Comedian-in-Chief,
No greeting. Greetings are for men who have earned them, and you have earned nothing but the contempt of a nation.
On Wednesday you slithered behind the locked gates of a Villa owned by 230 million Nigerians. You took a microphone you have no talent to hold, and you performed for a crowd fed on jollof and appointment letters. You opened with a corpse and closed with a rerun. In between you spat on a nation too hungry to laugh at you.
So hear it now, in plain words, from a man you cannot sack.
You are a hollow, frivolous, graceless, self-worshipping and catastrophically useless Vice President. You are the worst Vice President in the history of Nigeria. There is no runner-up. There is no contest. You lap the field.
Nigeria has had Vice Presidents who chaired councils, drove reforms and stood up to their principals. Nigeria now has you. You are a spare tyre that thinks it is the engine, a hype man who thinks he is the headliner, and a wedding MC nobody remembers inviting, still holding the microphone after the bride has gone home.
Nigeria asked for a Vice President. It got a court jester with a convoy, a siren and a budget that could feed a state.
Nigeria asked for a Vice President. It got a court jester with a convoy.
A COMEDIAN WITH ONE JOKE
In Lagos, in 2022, you said Atiku was “no Abraham Lincoln” but “more of Raila Odinga.” You swore you would “permanently retire the political tourist to Dubai.”
Four years later the man you swore to retire is leading the opposition against you. You are still hawking the same joke like a stale gala at a motor park.
You accused others of “borrowed statistics.” You could not even borrow a new joke. You recycled your own, and it was rotten in 2022. Nollywood changes its script for the sequel. Your writers have not changed a full stop in four years. They are either asleep, unpaid, or as empty as you.
THE MAN WHO DUG UP A GRAVE FOR LAUGHS
Raila Odinga died on 15 October 2025. You mocked him on 14 October 2026, the night before the first anniversary of his death.
Raila was detained without trial for fighting one-party rule. He served Kenya as Prime Minister and helped give his country the 2010 Constitution. When he died, a continent bowed its head.
You lifted his corpse onto your stage for a cheap laugh. Not even the most desperate comedian in the cheapest bar in Abuja robs a grave for material. The Vice President of the most populous Black nation on earth did it under the national flag, inside the seat of government. You did not insult Atiku that day. You insulted Kenya, you insulted Africa, and you dragged Nigeria’s name through the mud of your own small mind.
This letter reaches you on that anniversary, 15 October 2026, while Kenya mourns and you are still laughing.
On Lincoln, you shot yourself in the other foot. Lincoln lost a state legislative race, two Senate contests and a vice presidential nomination before he won the White House in 1860. A man who keeps rising after defeat is not the opposite of Lincoln. He is Lincoln. Out of all of history, you picked the one comparison that buries your argument, and then you waited for applause.
YOUR RESULTS ARE OUT
You love grading other men. Sit down. Here is your result slip.
Originality: zero. Your best joke has a 2022 birth certificate.
Prophecy: zero. Atiku never went to Dubai. Your prophecy did, and it has not been seen since.
Decency: below zero. Raila’s family marked that paper.
Economics: expelled. You asked of Atiku’s plan, “Who pays? Who benefits?” Your own government has just thrown a 30-day petrol discount at NNPC pumps, weeks before an election. So who is paying for your election bait, Comedian-in-Chief, and from which account? Who benefits? The citizen or the ballot box?
Statesmanship: failed before the paint dried. In June 2023, weeks after taking the oath, you were on BBC Hausa apologising to Nigerian Muslims for your own words on the National Assembly leadership. Other men need a full term to disgrace an office. You did it in your first month.
Relevance: the tea lady outranks you. In April 2025, the Presidency had to issue a statement assuring Nigerians that you were not barred from the Villa. No Vice President in the history of this Republic has ever needed a press release to prove he can walk into his own office. The gatemen have firmer tenure than you.
Housing: the lowest mark in the history of public administration. Read on.
THE ₦21 BILLION GHOST HOUSE
Let us talk about your official quarters, Comedian-in-Chief.
On 7 June 2024, while Nigerians were boiling leaves for soup and workers were begging for a living wage, your government commissioned your new official residence. The bill was ₦21 billion. The contract was first awarded in 2010 at ₦7 billion. By the time you cut the ribbon, the price had tripled, like everything in this country except salaries.
It has an office for your wife, a mosque, a chapel and recreational facilities. When the press arrived, the moderator blocked them and called it a “private space.” You stood there and admitted that taxpayers had paid for it.
Nigerians paid for it. Nigerian journalists were barred from seeing it. And the Vice President of Nigeria has never lived in it.
More than two years after the ribbon was cut, that ₦21 billion mansion stands empty. You still sleep at Akinola Aguda House. The most expensive vice presidential residence in the history of this Republic has become the most expensive empty house in Africa.
So answer us, Comedian-in-Chief.
Why have you not moved in? What could ₦21 billion not fix? Is there a room in that mansion you are afraid to open? Who pays the guards, the cleaners, the diesel and the light for a palace nobody sleeps in? How many more billions will Nigerians pour into your ghost estate before you either move in or confess why you will not?
In 2023, critics asked why ₦15 billion should go into your house while students begged for loans. Your office sneered and called it armchair criticism. Then the bill climbed to ₦21 billion and you never even unpacked. The critics were right. The only armchair in this story is the one in your empty sitting room, and nobody has ever sat on it.
The mothers of Chibok sleep under leaking roofs, waiting for daughters who never came home. Displaced families in Borno sleep under tarpaulin. Pensioners march in the streets for their arrears. Meanwhile Nigeria’s Vice President owns a ₦21 billion palace and treats it like a holiday chalet he forgot he booked.
The ghosts of Abuja have never had it so good. They have a ₦21 billion mansion with a mosque, a chapel and recreational facilities, and they pay no rent.
The most expensive vice presidential residence in Nigerian history is now the most expensive empty house in Africa.
A MAN HIS OWN CAMP DOES NOT TRUST
You yourself told Nigerians that enemies from Borno went to President Tinubu and claimed the clothes you gifted him were charmed to kill him, so you could take his seat.
Read your own confession again. Inside your own Villa, grown men debate whether your agbada is a murder weapon. In 2025, an APC North East stakeholders’ meeting in Gombe reportedly collapsed into chaos over whether you would even keep your place on the ticket.
Your own camp searches your gifts for juju. Your own zone fights over your seat. Your own Presidency issues statements to prove you are allowed through the gate. Your own ₦21 billion house stands empty. And this is the man who came to the Banquet Hall to lecture Atiku Abubakar on discipline and character.
A drowning man is giving swimming lessons. A homeless man in a palace is teaching housekeeping.
THE BORNO FILE
Now let us open the file you have sat on for 14 years.
You governed Borno from 2011 to 2019, the bloodiest years of the insurgency.
In April 2014, the Chibok schoolgirls were dragged from their dormitory on your watch. Some of them are still not home, and their mothers have grown grey waiting. In December 2017, former President Jonathan’s spokesman stated publicly that you had disregarded a Federal Government directive to the governors of the three worst-hit states to move students writing the West African School Certificate Examinations to safe zones. The same statement accused you of playing ignoble roles in frustrating the war against Boko Haram, even in your own Borno.
Then there is Kabiru Sokoto, the suspected Boko Haram kingpin behind the Christmas Day 2011 bombing of St Theresa’s Catholic Church in Madalla, where worshippers were torn apart at Christmas Mass. In January 2012, while you were Governor of Borno, Kabiru Sokoto was reportedly arrested at the Borno State Governor’s Lodge in Asokoro, Abuja.
The Governor’s Lodge. Not a cave in Sambisa. Not a hut in the bush. The official lodge of the Borno State Government, in the heart of the federal capital.
So answer the questions Nigeria has asked for 14 years. How did the most wanted church bomber in the country come to be arrested in the lodge of the Borno Governor? Who opened that gate? Who knew he was there? Who was accountable for that building on the day he walked in?
You have a strange history with official quarters, Comedian-in-Chief. Nigeria’s most wanted bomber was reportedly found in one lodge under your authority. You will not sleep in the other residence built for you. Nigerians are entitled to ask what goes on in the houses that bear your name.
Fourteen years on, Nigerians are still waiting for your full account. Yet you stood in the Banquet Hall and questioned another man’s fitness to protect Nigerians. You should be the last man in Nigeria to lecture anyone on security. You should not even be allowed in the room.
The most wanted church bomber in Nigeria was arrested in a Governor’s Lodge, and that Governor now lectures others on security.
IS ATIKU A KACHALLA?
So tell us plainly, Comedian-in-Chief. Is Atiku a Kachalla? Is he a bandit warlord in the Zamfara forest with a ransom ledger and a cave full of hostages, that you must demonise him at every microphone in the land?
Atiku served 20 years in Customs and retired as Deputy Director. He chaired the National Economic Council under the Constitution and the National Council on Privatisation under the law. He built the American University of Nigeria in Yola with his own money, kept it open through the insurgency, and fed displaced people in their hundreds of thousands. He fought for June 12, lost his police orderlies in that struggle, refused to serve Abacha and went into exile rather than kneel.
He built a university with his own money and kept it open in a war zone. You were handed a ₦21 billion palace of public money and could not even move in.
If Atiku is your Kachalla, then tell the nation what history should call the Governor in whose state the Chibok girls were taken, and in whose official lodge Nigeria’s most wanted church bomber was reportedly found. Take your time. The mothers of Chibok have waited longer.
YOUR FORGED DEBT AND YOUR STOLEN PULPIT
You claimed Atiku owes your principal something from 2007. That is a forgery wearing an agbada. The Action Congress of 2007 was a party Atiku co-founded, and its ticket was his by right. In 2003, when Obasanjo moved to take Lagos by force, it was Atiku who stood between Lagos and that machine. You have been reading the ledger upside down for 20 years.
You scolded Atiku for calling the President “Bola.” Comedian-in-Chief, Bola is the very name your principal answers to. It is on his posters, his oath and his campaign council banners. Some critics insist even that name is borrowed, and that the boy from Iragbiji once answered to Amoda Lamidi Sangodele. Atiku has never stooped to that. He gave your principal the courtesy of his own chosen name, and you call that disrespect.
A man’s name is not an insult. That was a strawman in lace. The real insult to Nigerian institutions was the building you stood in. The State House belongs to the Republic, not the APC. You turned it into a party rally hall behind locked gates, and preached about respect for institutions from inside it.
You will not live in the house the nation built for you, yet you will campaign in the house the nation built for its government. You treat public property like a hotel. You check out of the room you are paid to stay in, and you throw a party in the room that is not yours.
LENIN AT THE NNPC PUMP
You called Atiku the offspring of Lenin. Here is the real Lenin. It is the government that fixed the price of the people’s suffering by decree on 29 May 2023 with four words, “subsidy is gone.” No consultation, no cushion, no mercy. The trillions it claims to have saved have never been accounted for, and out of that same squeezed treasury came your ₦21 billion ghost palace.
Atiku’s plan is committed, published and specific. It is production-based, targeted, capped, transparently budgeted and independently audited, and it moves support from importers to Nigerian refineries. Every serious industrial economy from Washington to Beijing backs its producers this way. That is capitalism with a conscience. The only thing Soviet in this debate is your government: hardship by decree for the people, palaces for the politburo.
One was a decree you were forced to survive. The other is a plan you are invited to own.
THE CROCODILE’S MANNERS
You ended your act by praising yourself for still calling him “former Vice President Atiku Abubakar.” You had just robbed a grave, forged a debt and hijacked a public building. Courtesy that follows contempt is not good manners. It is a crocodile wiping its mouth after the meal.
THE LIGHTS GO OUT
Enjoy the Banquet Hall applause while it lasts. It was bought with jollof, paid for with public money, and it will not survive the walk to the car park.
The real audience was never in that room. It is queuing for fuel at midnight, returning half the shopping at the market, burying relatives killed by bandits and praying at school gates for children to come home. That audience heard every one of your jokes, Comedian-in-Chief, and not one of them laughed.
On 16 January 2027 they will give their verdict. There will be no encore, no rerun and no jollof. The Aso Rock comedy tour will close for good.
At least you will not have to pack, because you never moved in.
History is already sharpening its pen. It will write you below every Vice President before you and every Vice President after you: the worst this Republic ever produced, a comedian who was handed a country and treated it like a stage.
Yours, without a single laugh,
Aare Amerijoye DOT.B
Director General,
The Narrative Force
thenarrativeforce.org
15 October 2026
#Atiku2027 #ADC #ComedianInChief #WorstVPInHistory #21BillionGhostHouse #TheNarrativeForce
