Political history has always invented names for obsession. In Nigeria’s Fourth Republic, we now have a diagnosis: Atikuphobia.
It is a political virus that affects individuals who become so consumed by thoughts of former Vice President Atiku Abubakar that they cannot discuss any national issue without mentioning his name.
HISTORY
According to this fictional medical report, Atikuphobia first emerged in 1999. Since then it has spread across political parties, television studios, newspaper columns, radio programs, social media, WhatsApp groups, barbershops, peppersoup joints, beer parlours, and family gatherings.
The virus recognizes no political party, tribe, religion, gender, or social status. Anyone can be vulnerable.
SYMPTOMS
Stage 1: Early Infection
Harmless. Ask about agriculture, education, inflation, football, weather, or wedding jollof rice, and the answer somehow returns to Atiku Abubakar.
Stage 2: Progressive Infection
- Selective Political Memory – perfect recall of every rumour concerning Atiku. Total amnesia about similar events involving others.
- Compulsive Reference Syndrome – every national challenge is traced to him. Every political development is analyzed through his ambitions.
- Expert Contradiction – patients who claim to dislike him often know his movements, meetings, speeches, and political calculations more than his own supporters.
TREATMENT: ATIKUMYCIN
Researchers at the National Institute for Political Viruses have developed Atikumycin.
It does not cure disagreement. It restores balance. With regular doses, patients can:
- Discuss economic data without blaming one man
- Analyze security without unnecessary name insertion
- Attend family meetings without converting them to political debates where Atiku Abubakar is the main topic.
Note: Clinical trials are progressing slowly. Many volunteers spend more time discussing Atiku Abubakar than taking their medication.
Warning: Missing doses may cause relapse. Relapse symptoms include: excessive television interviews, repetitive newspaper articles, endless social media threads, and the uncontrollable urge to mention Atiku Abubakar six times or more in one public speech.
TERMINAL STAGE: ATIKUMA-AIDS
This is advanced Atikuphobia. At this stage, the patient’s entire political existence revolves around one person. Every election is about him. Every coalition is about him. Every interview returns to him.
Regrettably, Atikuma-AIDS currently has no cure. Not because science has failed, but because the patient rejects all treatment, insisting that mentioning Atiku Abubakar is the only acceptable response to every national issue.
The social consequences are clear: tired families, avoided conversations, and television producers who can now predict the exact minute Atiku Abubakar’s name will be mentioned.
CONCLUSION:
One fact is not in dispute: since 1999, Atiku Abubakar has remained central to Nigeria’s political conversations. Admirers celebrate his resilience. Critics scrutinize his moves. Both have ensured his name never leaves public discourse.
The manufacturers of Atikumycin therefore offer this prescription:
*If you support him, do so with conviction, civility, and facts.
If you oppose him, do so with evidence, fairness, and respect.
Political disagreement is healthy. Personal obsession is not.
At the entrance to the fictional laboratory, a large inscription reads:
“THE TRAIN IS MOVING TOWARDS THE PERMANENT SITE.”
Passengers are free to board, remain at the station, or wave as it passes. That is democracy.
The train, however, continues its journey.
Disclaimer: Atikuphobia, Atikumycin, and Atikuma-AIDS exist only in satire.
The healthiest prescription in real life is a daily dose of truth, fairness, tolerance, perspective, and commitment to the common good.
Senator Ehigie Uzamere
